


wake me up from this awful nightmare (i need to see your face)

by dogsbreath



Category: Chicago PD (TV), One Chicago
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon-Typical Violence, Car Accidents, Codependency, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, First Kiss, Hailey Upton Centric, Hurt No Comfort, Night Terrors, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:35:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28276191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dogsbreath/pseuds/dogsbreath
Summary: “don’t let me go.”“i won’t.”
Relationships: Jay Halstead & Hailey Upton, Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton, Will Halstead & Hailey Upton
Comments: 11
Kudos: 90





	1. “where’s jay?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hailey wakes up in a world without jay. She prays it’s a nightmare. It feels like a nightmare.

It’s a loud and persistent knocking on the door that wakes her up. She groans, pulling her pillow over her head. 

“Jay!” she calls, “get the door!” 

she waits, listens for the sound of jay grumpily getting up from the couch, for the sound of talking as jay answers the door. But she doesn’t hear it. All she gets is silence, not even the low hum of the tv playing the credits of whatever movie was on last night. 

“Fuck,” she says, sighing with feeling and pushing herself up. She runs a hand through her hair and curses softly when her bare feet hit the cold wood floor. 

The knocking resumes. Hailey pads out into the hallway, and looks into the living room, fully expecting to see Jay sprawled out on the couch, snoring. She sees nothing and her couch looks like it hasn’t been touching in days, which isn’t right, because she left jay there last night after he fell asleep. 

“Jay?” she calls, and she gets no answer. 

“Ayo Hailey! Open the door!” 

She huffs, and fixes the strap of her tank top as she hauls open the door. 

“Kev?” she asks, eyebrows drawing together as she comes face to face with Atwater. 

“C’mon, Ruzek called, we’ve got a crime scene.” 

Hailey nodded, “Give me a few minutes.” 

“I’ll be in the car.” Kevin said, turning to walk away. Hailey leaned against the door. 

“Kev, wait.” she said. “Where’s Jay?” 

Kevin rose an eyebrow, “Who’s Jay?” 

“Funny. Are you two pulling a prank or something? He was here last night, but i don’t know where he is now, and he never leaves without at least a note or a text.” Hailey said. 

“Hailey... I don’t know anybody named Jay.” 

Hailey let out a laugh, shaking her head, “No, seriously, Kev-“

“I’m being serious, Hailey, I don’t know anyone named Jay. Are you feeling okay?” he asks, concern showing on his face. 

Hailey instantly sobered up, her smile fading. This has to be some kind of sick joke, some stupid prank she can yell at him for later. Because they was no way Kevin didn’t know Jay, everyone knew jay, her best friend, her partner, _her other half._

She nodded. “uh, yeah. I’ll be out in a minute.” 

She shut the door, and let out a confused breath. She double-checked the living room and the kitchen, hell even the bedrooms and the bathroom. No jay. 

She got dressed and checked her phone. She expected to see the picture of her and jay from his birthday, but she was met with a generic black background. She slid open the phone, and the clicked her contacts. she scrolled through, but didn’t find Jay in her emergency contacts, didn’t find anything in her camera roll or even her messages.

Nothing. It was like he never existed at all. 

“Where are you, Jay?” she whispered. 

“you good?” Kevin asks when she’s in the passenger seat. She nods, hand gripping her phone. “Yeah,” she says, “yeah, i’m fine.” 

* * *

“Hey, adam?” Hailey asked. She hadn’t quite been able to shake what had happened that morning. 

She hasn’t seen Jay, hasn’t heard even a whisper of him anywhere. He’s never been gone this long without contacting her. Whether it was some stupid emoji or an ‘i’m okay’ or a picture of Will’s dog, he always contacted her. 

Surely, she thinks, surely he’s not kidnapped. If he was kidnapped from her apartment, she’d’ve been taken too. 

“Yeah?” He responds, looking up from his phone. He’s walking with her to get coffee.

“Have you heard from Jay? At all?” She asks. Adams eyebrows scrunch up, and he looks visibly confused as he responds. 

“Who’s Jay?” 

Hailey tilts her head, and grabs onto his arm to stop him. “Jay, y’know, Jay Halstead? six foot, green eyes, doesn’t know when to stop hovering like an overprotective mother? _my partner?_ ” 

“Hailey, Kevin’s your partner. He has been since you join intelligence.” 

“No, that’s not right,” she murmurs, mostly to herself. Dread is starting to pool in her abdomen, and she’s getting more and more stressed out. 

“Hailey, are you sure you’re alright? Kev said you asked him about this ‘Jay’ guy too.” Adam asks, concern washing over his face. Hailey sighs. 

“No, no i’m not alright, because i seem to be going crazy! I cant be the only one who knows Jay, okay, he’s loud, he’s sarcastic, he never minds his own business! You’ve known him longer than i have, for fuck sake.” 

“Hails-“

“He was in my apartment last night and i know this because he leaves the stupid kitchen light on and i have to turn it off when i get up to pee in the nighttime. He desk is where Kevin was sitting, and i’m not crazy, Adam, i didn’t imagine the last two years!” 

“Okay, okay, i believe you, just.. calm down. Relax, take a deep breath.” he soothes, hands going to her shoulders. she lets out a breath, her exhale blowing the hair out of her face. 

“You don’t believe me.” She says once she sees the slight disbelief on his face. Adam sighs. 

“It’s not that i don’t believe you, hailey, i just don’t know who you’re talking about.” 

She throws her hands up in the air in frustration, letting out a tempered groan. “Will’s brother! Jay, Jeremiah Alexander Halstead!” 

“Wait a minute... Halstead? Like Will?” Adam asks. 

“Yeah, his brother.”

“That’s a low blow, Hailey, c’mon. I thought you were better than that.” Adam stated, disappointment overpowering his concern. 

Hailey sighs, “What’s a low blow?!” 

“Everyone knows Will’s brother never made it home from Afghanistan, Hails.” 

Her face falls, and she takes a step back, shaking her head. The dread that had pooled spread through her entire being, and she let out a disbelieving sound, “That’s impossible.”

“Apparently not everyone,” Adam murmurs to himself, watching her run through the first three stages of grief. 

She makes to speak, but shuts her mouth, shaking her head again. She turns and starts walking toward the coffee shop, bringing a hand up and discreetly wiping under her eyes. 

“Hailey!” Adam calls, jogging to catch up with her. She shakes her head, “I’m fine, Adam.” 

“You don’t look fine. I mean, you’re crying over someone you haven’t even met-“

Hailey stops in the middle of the crosswalk, turning around to face Adam. “It’s more than that!” 

“Then help me understand,” he pleaded, face gentling at the sight of tears in her eyes. She takes a deep breath.

“He’s my partner, my best friend! I woke up and it’s like he’s never existed! You, and Kev, and even Kim, you don’t know who i’m talking about, and then you tell me he’s dead.”

“I’m sorry, but whoever he is to you, however he-“

 _“I love him!”_ she cried.

Adam's face softened completely, and he nodded. “Okay, let’s just, talk about this on the way back to the district.” 

“No, i... I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

She turned to continue across the street, but only made it a few feet before there was the screeching of tires on asphalt, the smell of burning rubber, and Adam screaming her name.

It was all the warning she got as she turned to face the car speeding towards her. She felt her legs come into contact with the grill of the car. 

the car stopped, and she was thrown over the windshield, landing harshly on the ground behind it as it sped off. 

She moaned as pain flooded her body, and god, her legs fucking hurt. The sun was blocked out by a figure, and at first she thought it was Jay, but then she heard Adam talking into his radio. 

“Jay..?” she murmured. The ringing in her ears was deafening. 

“No... No Jay’s not here, Hailey.”

 _“Jay.”_

Her eyes felt heavy, and Adam's voice kept going in and out. She wanted Jay. 

god, where was jay?

“Hailey, hey, keep your eyes open, yeah, the ambo’s almost here.” 

She moaned quietly in her throat, as Adam’s hands came up to keep her head still. Her head was pounding too, and she wanted Jay. 

“J..Jay.”

“Jay’s not here Hails, but i need you to keep your eyes open. I know it’s hard yeah, but Jay’s gonna meet us there, okay?”

She blinked, looking at Adam under hooded eyes, not really seeing him as he made false promises to her, begging her to keep her eyes open. 

“Jay..” she murmured, as her eyes slid shut, her head tilting to one side. 

“Hailey? Hailey!”


	2. “i’ll always come home to you.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hailey wakes up and jay makes her a promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi okay so here’s an explanation bc i think some (most) people are confused. hailey was dreaming in the first chapter
> 
> everything before “ When she woke up this time, it was to darkness, and the faint sound of the credits of an episode of fresh prince” is her dream. 
> 
> okay thanks for reading besties xx

Her vision and hearing fades in and out, like she’s swimming in a stormy sea, and waves are crashing over her head, drowning her. 

She catches glimpses of Will, Adam, and Connor, but she’s in too much pain to even think straight. 

“Jay..” she whispers, her weak voice drowned out by nurses and talking, and she feels overwhelmed. 

“Hailey?” Connor calls, and she blinks, eyes moving to him as she’s moved from one bed to the next. 

“Hey, Hailey, we’re going to get you better, alright? Can you keep your eyes open?”

“Jay.” she mutters again. Connor leans down to hear her, pausing in where he was cutting open her shirt. 

“Jay,” she says, and Connor hums. 

“Who’s Jay, Hailey?” he asks calmly. She moves her hand, and hits Will’s arm, repeating Jay’s name. Will pauses, looking from Hailey over to where Adam was standing a few feet away. 

“She’s been talking about him all day, says she saw him last night, and that he’s her partner.” He explained. Will swallowed, turning to April. 

“Order a head CT, and call Dr. Charles down here for a psych eval when she wakes up.” He orders. 

“Why? Who’s Jay?” Connor asks. 

“My brother who died in Afghanistan.”

* * *

She comes to with a pounding headache that makes her worst hangover seem like a walk in the park. She groaned, bringing a hand up to her temple. 

“Jesus.” she muttered. 

“Welcome back, Hailey.” Will greeted, looking up from the charts. He walks over and checks her lungs and heart. 

“How are you feeling?” He asks.

“like i got ran over.” 

He laughs, and then sits on the edge of her bed. “You want to talk about something?” he asks, probing for an answer to a question he knows she wouldn’t answer point blank. 

“Like what?”

“You asked for Jay.” He said. Hailey sighs. 

“I’m not crazy-“

“I just want to know why.” 

She takes a deep breath, and he waits. She tries to find a way to explain without sounding crazy. Adam’s most likely already told Will about her rant. 

Will fills the silence. “Look, i know i unloaded a lot on you last weekend. It was the anniversary of his death, and you were just trying to be a good friend, but i didn’t think you’d do this.” 

Hailey shakes her head, “No, Will, i swear, i would never use something that personal against you.”

“It sure seems like you are.”

“I need you to believe me when i say i’m not crazy, i didn’t dream up the last two years. I swear, it was real.” 

Will sighs, and Hailey pleads. “Please, Will.” 

“Hailey... Just.. go back to sleep. You need the rest.” he says, patting her arm awkwardly. She sighed, watching him walk out. 

She let her head fall back onto the pillow, instantly regretting it as the pounding in her head increased. 

“Fuck,” she muttered.

* * *

When she woke up this time, it was to darkness, and the faint sound of the credits of an episode of fresh prince. She blinked, and the ceiling of her bedroom came into focus. She didn’t move, stayed staring at the ceiling wondering what the fuck she just went through. 

Had it been a dream? Her dreams aren’t usually so real, and she usually doesn’t end up in a fucking car accident in her dreams. It was so real, it really felt like she’d truly lost jay. 

Jay! How could she forget Jay? 

She pushed back the blankets, and grabbed her phone. The screen lit up, and she could see that picture of her and jay from his last birthday. She stood, padding out into the hall, ignoring the sting of bare feet on cold wooden floors. 

A cold sense of déjà vu passed over her, and she hesitated at the exit of the hallway, afraid that jay wasn’t really there, that she’d walk out to find an empty couch again. 

But she could see the kitchen light on, could hear the start of another episode of some stupid sitcom on the tv. She took a few steps out into the living room, and there he was, sprawled out on the couch, asleep. 

“Jay.” She breathed, relief flooding through her. She’d be lying if she said her eyes didn’t get watery. 

Her phone slipped from the slack grip her hand had on it, landing on the floor with a loud thud, the screen shattering. Jay jumped up, startled, eyes scanning the room, only to rest on Hailey where she stood, staring at him like she’s trying to memorize his face. 

“Hailey? What’s wrong?” He asks, wiping the sleep out of his eyes. She doesn’t answer, and he blinks. 

“Someone break in? Why are you crying?” he asks. 

“Are you-“

she cut him off by closing the distance between them, hugging him tightly. Jay froze, before wrapping his arms around her tightly, rubbing her back with one hand. She claws at his back, grabbing bunched up pieces of his shirt. 

She pulls back, and her hands are shaking as she reaches her hands up and cradles his face, looking over every inch of him. He’s confused, but he’s staying still, letting her lead him in the direction she needs him. 

“Jay..” she whispers. She flattens her palm against his cheeks, and shakes her head, at a loss for words. 

“Hails?”

She pushes herself up on her tip toes and kisses him soundly, wrapping one arm around his neck to help pull her closer to him. Jay’s left hand stays at her side, but his right comes up and lands on her neck. He uses his thumb to tilt her head and better the angle, kissing her back. 

when they pull away, they’re both breathless. Jay wipes a tear off her cheek and she leans into the touch, eyes still searching his face as if he’s about to disappear from beneath her finger tips. 

“What was that all about?” he asks quietly. She lets out a wet laugh, resting her forehead against his. 

“I.. I woke up, and you were _gone._ Adam and Kev, no one knew who you were, and Will said you died, Jay. No one believed me when i told them about you, and i..” 

_i love you._ she doesn’t say it, but it echos in her head, and she remembers what she told Adam before she got hit by the car, how Jay was her best friend, her missing piece, her heart. How she loved him. 

“I love you.” She says, eyes closing. She feels Jay freeze, and a thousand different thoughts run through her head. 

He presses his lips to her forehead, and she feels the smile on his face. “I love you too.” 

She pulls back, and sniffs, shaking her head. “I mean it, i really love you. As in, ‘i don’t know what i’d do without you’ i love you.” 

Jay grins, wide and bright. “Well in that case, I ‘don’t know what i’d do without you’ love you too, Hailey.” 

She grins, and he hugs her again. She grips the back of his shirt. 

“Sleep in my bed tonight, I don’t want to wake up without you again.” She whispers. 

He pulls away, grabbing her hand. He lays it flat against his chest, right above his heart. She feels the steady beat of his heart, the reminder he’s alive, breathing, and just fine. 

“You feel that? It’s a reminder that i’m alive, that i’m here, and i’m always going to find a way to come back home to you. I’ll make sure that nightmare won’t be able to come back and haunt you.” he promises. 

She takes a shaky breath, nodding. “I got in an accident.” 

“I got in an accident, and you weren’t there, and everyone thought i was crazy. I kept insisting you were alive, that i saw you, but Will said you died in Afghanistan...” 

“I thought my heart stopped when he said that.” she whispered. 

“Hey, hey, i’m still here. I’m here, i came home, and i’ll always come home. I’ll always come home to you, Hailey.” 

she shakes her head, “What if you can’t? What if... What if one day you can’t come home, because you’re dead? What if one day you don’t come back, Jay?” 

“I’ll always do my best to come home, Hailey. You feel this?” he asks, covering her hand with his. “I’m right here.”

“Don’t let me go.” she says quietly, intertwining their hands. 

“I won’t.” he promises, bringing their hands up to his face. He presses a soft kiss to the back of her hand. 

She tugs on their hands, pulling him back down to kiss him. He smiles, pulling away and leading her back to bed. 

She lays down, and pulls him close. He wraps his arms around her torso, nosing her shoulder.

“You’ll be okay. It was just a nightmare.”

“It felt real.”

“I’ll be here when you wake up.” he says, kissing her shoulder. She nods, her eyes falling shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi okay so here’s an explanation bc i think some (most) people are confused. hailey was dreaming in the first chapter
> 
> everything before “ When she woke up this time, it was to darkness, and the faint sound of the credits of an episode of fresh prince” is her dream. 
> 
> okay thanks for reading besties xx


	3. “the best of me.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jay asks will for a favour as hailey reels in the aftermath of the dream

Her eyes snapped open, feeling the loss of Jay’s body heat next to her. She sat up, looking around their room. the sun was just starting to shine through the blinds, and any other day, maybe before jay, before that fucking dream, she’d find it calming. But now, all she felt was panic. 

_no no no not again not again not again,_ she thought, pushing back the covers and standing up. Her back cracked, and she went to grab her phone, only for her hand to land on an empty table. She looked over, and her phone was gone. 

“Jay?” she called out, waiting to hear something. The fridge opening, the tv, the toilet flushing, anything. 

She heard nothing. 

She stood, and took a deep breath, moving towards the door. She edged the door open with her arm, and came face to face with Jay, who stood laid a hand on her arm. 

“Jesus!” She jumped, taking a step back. Jay smiled gently, laughing quietly at her. “You okay?” he asked. 

“You scared the shit out of me,” she sighed, hitting his arm slightly. Jay laughed, and the fact that her hand made contact, that he was still there, was enough to calm her racing heart. 

“What are you doing out of bed?” he asked. 

“Where’d you go?” she countered. 

“I went to get a drink, Hails, i’m okay.” 

She nodded, and allowed him to push her back towards the bed. She curled up against his side, laying her hand over his heart. 

He’s quiet, and she’d think he was asleep if she didn’t know him better. He taps her shoulder, and looks down at her. 

His hair is mess, in a way he hates but she loves to run her fingers through. 

“Hailey..” he says. “I think.. Maybe you should see someone.” 

She rose an eyebrow, not liking where this was going. “What?”

“Okay, well, not some random person, but Will could probably get you in to see Doctor Charles-“

“Are you suggesting therapy?” she asked, sitting up. Jay leaned up on his elbows. 

“Hailey this dream you had... it fucked you up. I’m just worried about you.” 

“Look, i just...” 

“Please? At least one session.”

She looks at him, sees genuine concern on his face. She won’t lie, the dream did fuck with her. Made her worried that she’d wake up and be back in the world where jay was dead and nothing made sense. It had only been two weeks, but the panic that she felt when she woke up alone was the main reason Jay had moved in so quick. 

“Okay.” She agreed. 

He smiled softly, leaning over and kissing her. 

“I love you, Jay Halstead.” She murmured, reaching a hand up and cupping his cheek, rubbing her thumb under his eye. 

“I love you, Hailey Upton.” he said, looking her in the eye. She grinned, laying back down next to him.

* * *

“Hey, Will, what brings you to Intelligence?” Kim greeted the redhead, looking up from where Adam was showing her something on his phone. 

Will shrugged, “I need to see Hailey.”

“oh yeah, she’s-“

“right here.” Hailey interjected.

He held out a card for her, and she took it, looking it over. It had a time and date on the back of it. 

“I was going to drop it off tonight, but Connor wants to go out to eat right after shift, so.” 

“Hey, thanks, man.” She says. Will nods, squeezing her shoulder. He leaves, and Hailey tucks the card into her back pocket. 

Adam raises an eyebrow, “What was that about?” 

“I asked him for a favour.”

* * *

“Do you want me to go in?” Jay asked, putting the truck in park. She shakes her head, “No.”

“I have to do this alone, i think.” she says. Jay grabs her hand, brings it up, and kisses her knuckles. 

They’re sitting in the parking lot at Med, and Hailey’s avoiding going in until she actually has to. She fiddling with the ring on her index finger, squeezing the hand jay was holding.

“I’m proud of you.” He says, very seriously. She smiles at him. 

“Yeah? Because I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t ask Will for the favour.” 

“You pushed me, now it’s my turn to push you, baby.” He says. 

“Thank you.” She whispers. “I love you.” 

“I love you, too.” 

“You’re the best of me, Jay.” 

“You’re the best of me, Hailey.”


	4. “you were it for him.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hailey wakes up at med and will has to deliver the hardest news he's ever had to.

Six months later, she wakes up aching in ways she hadn’t in a long time. She blinks, and the ceiling of Med comes into view. She makes to bring a hand up to cover her eyes and try to sooth the throbbing in her head, but she gets tangled in wires and an IV. 

“Hailey? Are you awake?” 

God her ears are ringing, and her head is pounding, and why does Will sound so far away. 

The lights dim, and she groans, manages to blink a few times until she can see without feeling like her head was going to explode every time she moved her eyes. 

Will’s standing at the edge of her bed, a hand resting on her arm. He’s wearing civilian clothes, his scrubs nowhere in sight. 

She makes to speak but her mouth is too dry. Will grabs the cup of water from the beside table and holds the straw up to her mouth. 

“Hey.” He whispers, and his voice is rough and raw, and his eyes are red and bloodshot. Even his hair was in disarray. Hailey got a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach. 

“Jay?” she manages, leaning on her right hand to push herself up in bed. It hurts, her wrist throbs, and it’s only then that she takes in the brace on it and her hospital gown. 

Will’s face falls, and the dread in her stomach increased tenfold. Something happened to her and Jay, and Jay...

“We did everything we could, Hailey.” 

And Jay was dead. 

He was _dead_

Her heart stopped, and tears clouded her vision. She shook her head, the pounding in her head fading into the background as her emotions took hold. 

“No.” 

“Hailey-“

_”No.”_ she insists. “There’s no way.” 

“Hailey, I’m sorry.” 

she sobbed, bringing a hand up to cover her mouth. She pulled her knees up closer to her chest, and Will took a seat on the bed. She looked over at him. 

“What happened?”

Will swallowed, and she saw a tear fall down his face. 

“There was a bomb.”

* * *

_“Where do you want to go on Sunday?” Jay asks. Hailey hums, and Jay holds up a finger._

_“Don’t say Molly’s. It’s our seven month anniversary, i want to go somewhere special.”_

_Hailey raises an eyebrow, “Since when are you such a romantic?”_

_“Since I met you. Now seriously, where do you want to go?”_

_“Hmm... Why don’t you pick the restaurant, and i pick what else we do?”_

_“Okay, because Connor showed me this gorgeous place downtown- What?” he paused walking when he realized she hadn’t been following._

_Hailey shrugged, standing in the middle of the parking lot. “Nothing. I just love watching you talk.”_

_Jay flushed, and she laughed, reaching out to grab his hand. “C’mon, you can surprise me with the location after.”_

_They didn’t get more than four steps closer to the truck when the explosion occurred. A loud thundering noise that shook the ground, and Hailey briefly felt herself being pushed backwards before the blast caught her, sending her flying._

_She hit the ground hard, her head smacking off it. She landed farther away than Jay, who was thrown into the closest vehicle, back slamming into the metal and denting it. There was a loud crunch as he made contact with the ground._

_Sirens rang out, and car alarms went off, as blood pooled around Jay’s chest and Hailey’s head._

_No witnesses saw the black SVU leaving the neighbouring parking lot._

* * *

The car bomb, their anniversary, _Jay_. 

Hailey covered her head with her hands, shaking it. “Oh god.”

Will’s face scrunched up, and he took a deep breath. “Voight thinks Jay pushed you out of the way before the blast hit you, which is why you only sustained minor injuries.” 

Hailey sobbed, her whole body shaking with the force of it. Will laid a hand on her knee, and she looked up. Will pulled her into a hug, and she buried her head into his shoulder.

* * *

“When?” she asked quietly, once her tears had subsided. 

“Yesterday... Hailey, look, there’s something you should know. Two things, really.” Will said. 

she wiped her nose with the back of her hand, leaning back. “what?”

He dug around in his pocket, and when he pulled his hand out, he opened it. On his palm sat their mom’s wedding ring. 

Hailey felt another round of tears start, as Will dropped it in her hand. 

“He called me two days ago, told me he was coming to pick it up. But then you guys got called on that case, and he told me he’d pick it up before your dinner and well... i guess we know what happened.” 

“Fuck,” she sobbed, closing her fist around it as she used her other hand to cover her mouth.

“He wanted to give it to you, told me that he couldn’t see a future without you. You were it for him, Hails. He loved you with everything he had in him.”

“I loved him, more than anything,” she sobbed, “This isn’t fair.” 

“i know.” He whispers.

“I would’ve said yes.”


	5. “How am i supposed to do this without you?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hailey has to make a decision, but first she has to see jay

It took longer than last time for her tears to slow. Will had grabbed her hand, and slid the ring on her finger. 

“..But he didn’t get to ask me.” she had whispered. Will had shook his head. 

“He knew you’d say yes. Besides, it suits you, like it belongs there.” 

He’d moved so that he sat next to her, keeping her close. She’s the only family he had left now. 

She wiped her nose, “You said there was two things I needed to know.” 

Will nodded, “yeah.” 

“What was it? The second thing?”

“I don’t know if this is exactly the time to tell you, but if i don’t, Nat will.” 

“What is it?”

“Hailey..” Will said. Hailey turned to look at him, getting a good look at the expression on his face. A mix between grief and hope. 

“When you came in, Nat noticed your estrogen and progesterone levels were higher than normal.”

“English, Will.” she said, wanting to be sure her first thought was right. 

“She ran a pregnancy test. It was positive.” 

Hailey’s world came to a stand still. What kind of sick twisted game was God playing with her? She lives through the dream, through the aftermath, he gives her Jay, in all his loving and caring and protective glory, only to take him from her. And now she’s carrying his child and he’s not even there to help her make a decision. 

She wanted to talk to Jay, she _needed_ to talk to Jay. 

But she couldn’t. She’d never be able to again, because she seemed to have the worlds most fucked luck. 

“Hailey?” Will asked. Hailey bit her lip. 

“Can i see him?” she asked quietly. 

“Are you sure-?”

“I need to see him, Will, I can’t make the decision i need to make without at least seeing him.”

“Okay.”

* * *

She doesn’t know what she expected him to look like, but it’s not this. Not pale, bruised, and blood stained. 

“Jay,” she whispered, grabbing his hand. He was cold, and stiff, and it was such a far cry from his normal warm hands that she felt like she was being punched in the gut. 

He was covered in cuts and bruises and there was enough shrapnel in his body to make her sick. He took it, took the brunt of the explosion just to make sure she could get away. 

“Fuck, Jay,” she said, tears starting to well up. “You promised me we were in this together.”

She rests her free hand on her stomach. “How am i supposed to do this without you?” she asked. 

She sits on the bed, and slowly brings his limp hand to rest on her stomach. It brings her a sense of comfort. 

“I know you wanted kids,” she says, “a family. You are my family... and now you’re gone.” 

she lets his hand go, and stands, pacing the small space beside the bed, wiping her tears every so often. 

“Are you Hailey?” a nurse asks, poking her head in. Hailey looks up, wiping under her eyes. 

“Yeah?” 

The nurse handed her a folded up piece of paper. “This was in his pocket, I figured he’d want you to have it.” 

“Thanks,” she said, her voice cracking, as she took the paper. She sat back down on the bed as the nurse left. 

_Hailey,_

_The day i met you was the best day of my life. You’re vibrant, badass, and so caring. I’m lucky to be able to call you not only my best friend, but my girlfriend._

_When i first brought up therapy, i told you i was proud of you, that we were in this together, and always would be. And i meant it._

_You’re it for me, Hailey. I love you more than anything, so much it physically hurts. You’re the best of me, the bright spot, the light at the end of the tunnel, and i would be honoured if you became my wife._

She sobbed, bringing a hand up to cover her mouth. Tears fell past her hand, and landed on the paper.

When she’d asked him that morning what he’d been writing, he’d been writing his proposal. One he couldn’t use, because he’d been dead before the ink had even set on the paper. 

“Jay..” She murmured, looking over at him. 

Half of her expected to see him move, to wake up and wipe away her tears, the other half wanted her to wake, to be able to close her eyes and wake up to find Jay sleeping next to her.

She stood, and folded the paper. Leaning over him, she unclasped his dog tags, and clutched them in her hand tightly. She pressed a kiss to his chapped lips, squeezing her eyes shut. A tear hit his face, and she pulled back. 

“You were my heartbeat, Jay.”


	6. “i love you, jay.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hailey goes back to the district. Intelligence mourns a family member.

“Hey,” Will greeted, pushing off the wall. 

“Do you know where my clothes are?” She asked. Wills eyebrow furrowed. 

“Why?” 

“I cant stay here, not after...” she trailed off, unsure of how to even string the words together. 

It didn’t sound right, Jays name in the same sentence as dead, didn’t sound real, didn’t even feel real. 

“You’re not cleared to leave.”

“But i’m going to anyway. It’s not like you’ll be far, i’ll be fine.” 

“You’re going to go home?” Will asked, already knowing her answer would be no, she wouldn’t. Already knowing the first place she’d be going was the district. 

“Will-“

“I don’t want you to go, Hailey. You’re all I’ve got left now, i cant loose you or the baby.” 

Hailey blinked back as many of the tears as he could, and reached her hand out to him. 

“I _need_ to do this, Will. Whoever blew up the car took Jay away from us, and i need to be there when we find out who.” 

“I promise i’ll come home, I promise i’ll be safe, Will.” She said. 

Will huffed, ripping his arm out of her grip, leaving her arm to fall down to her side. He paced a few steps, before shaking his head. 

“Jay promised you that, Hailey, and now he’s dead!” he yelled, running hands through his hair and taking a shuttering breath. 

“Will..” 

He stopped, took in the tears in her eyes, and deflated. He wasn’t the only one hurting right now, he wasn’t the only family Jay left behind.

“sorry, I’m sorry..” he whispered. Hailey hugged him, resting her forehead on his chest. 

“Can i stay with you and Connor?” she asked quietly. 

“He already told me to invite you to stay, because he doesn’t like the thought of you living in a house full of Jay’s memories.” 

Hailey laughed wetly, and Will pressed a kiss to her head.

* * *

_“Hello?”_

“Adam?” Hailey asked into the phone, sniffing again. 

_“Hailey, Jesus, are you alright?”_ he asked, and Hailey felt more tears cloud her vision. 

“No,” she whispered, her voice cracking. 

_“What do you need?”_ he asked gently. 

“There’s a change of clothes in my locker, Can you get it for me. Mine were cut open when...” 

_“Of course, i’ll be there soon.”_

“Thanks.”

* * *

“Hey,” 

Hailey looked up, rubbing her hands over her face. Adam looked worried, concerned, upset. His eyes were rimmed red, and Hailey knew he’d been crying recently. That alone, the reminder that everyone lost Jay, that he was _gone,_ almost sent her into another mess of tears. 

“No, no, don’t cry, Kim told me not to make you cry,” Adam said, dropping the bag on the chair and coming up to her. He pulled her into a hug, and that dissolved the dam that kept her tears at bay. 

He rested a hand on the back of her head, and shushed her. 

“I miss him too, Hails, but you know he hated it when you cried.” Adam whispered. She nodded, and brought a hand up and wiped her tears. Not that that stopped them from coming, but it did reduce her sobs 

“Did you bring me my clothes?” she asked. Adam nodded, handing her the bag. 

She slowly pulled the pair of jeans, and what she knew to be Kevin’s hoodie on. She looked sideways at Adam, who shrugged. 

“He wanted to come and give you a hug, but the boss sent him out with Kim, so he threw his sweater at me instead. Told me to ‘tell her this is my long distance hug.’” 

Hailey smiled slightly, pulling it on, before sliding Jay’s dog tags over her head. She tucked them under the sweater, and pressed her hand flat against them. 

_i love you, Jay,_ she thought. 

She turned to Adam, “Get me out of here.”

* * *

The quiet chatter between her teammates came to a halt when she stepped foot into Intelligence. 

“You should be at Med.” Voight said, uncrossing his arm. Hailey ran a hand through her hair. 

“I can’t stay there,” she said, shaking her head. “I need to be here.”

Kevin reached over and turned the whiteboard over, so that she couldn’t see anything on it. 

“Don’t do that, don’t shut me out of this. I want to work this one-“

“You’re too close-“ 

“I was blown up! Jay...” she blinked, feeling a tear fall, “Jay _died_ because of whoever did this. I need to find out who it was.”

She knew Voight wouldn’t budge in his decision, but that didn’t stop her from interrupting. Adam laid a hand on her shoulder. 

“Hailey... you don’t want to see those crime scene photos.” He whispered. She bit her lip, shutting her eyes. The weight of Adams hands on her shoulders reminded her of Jay, and the raw and bleeding wound inside her throbbed. 

She sobbed, bringing a hand up to cover her mouth. Kim reached forward and wrapped her in a hug, and Hailey dug her face into her shoulder. 

“Fuck,” she whispered. 

She pulled away, and Kim grabbed her hand, her face falling and her eyes tearing up.

“Hailey..” she whispered, looking up at her. Hailey’s lip wobbled, and she took a deep breath. 

“He... He died before he got the chance to ask me.” she said quietly. 

She heard Adams sharp intake of breath, and Kevin’s quiet curse, and brought both her hands up to cover her face, turning away from everyone. 

How the hell was she supposed to do this without Jay?


	7. “promise me you’ll get them.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hailey receives comfort from kevin and platt

“Hey,” Kevin said softly. Hailey looked up from where she was sitting on the bench in the locker room. 

“Hey,” she whispered, rubbing her nose. Kevin took a seat next to her.

“I’m sorry about Jay.” 

“You lost him too, Kev, it wasn’t just me. Everyone lost him.”

“but not everyone was in love with him, and not everyone was carrying his baby.” He said.

Hailey looked over at him, eyes wide. “How’d you know?” 

Kev shrugged, “You’re glowing. And you’ve been eating more than you usually do.” 

Hailey covered her mouth again, trying not to cry. She wanted to stop crying, wanted everything to go back to normal, and for her to open her eyes and Jay to walk in and say some stupid joke that wasn’t even funny but made her laugh anyway. 

Kevin pulled her into a hug, and she curled into his chest, letting him dwarf her. He rubbed her arm, resting his forehead on top of her head. 

“What do I do now, Kev?” she asked. 

“We’ll figure it out. You’re not alone in this Hailey, and whatever you do, whatever you decide, we’ve all got your back.”

She nodded, and Kevin hugged her tighter, as if trying to superglue some of her broken pieces back together with the force of his hug. 

“You’ll be okay.” 

“Kev,” Kim interrupted, poking her head into the locker room. Hailey pulled away, and Kevin looked up. 

“We gotta go, Voight is sending us all out.” 

Hailey eyed Kim, and she smiled sadly, “You can’t come.” 

“I know,” she said. “But promise me... Promise me you’ll get them.” 

“We will.” Kim said. 

“We’ll get him, Hails.” Kev promised.

* * *

Hailey slowed to a stop in the office, eyes locked onto the whiteboard. She walked over to it, and laid a hand on the top, intent to turn it over, but paused. 

Adam had said she didn’t want to see the crime scene photos, and she knows, deep down, that Jay never made it off the scene alive, that it was his body in some of the pictures. Seeing Jay’s body in the morgue was enough to send her into hysterics, and she didn’t know if she could handle seeing the pictures. 

“You shouldn’t see it, Upton.” 

She lets her head fall and grips the board harder. “I _need_ to, sergeant.”

Platt laid a hand on her arm, and Hailey looked up at her, eyes rimmed red and lip caught between her teeth. Platt shook her head. 

“No you don’t.”

Hailey shook, and Platt pulled her into a hug, rubbing her back as she cried quietly. Crying for what seems like the hundredth time in the past four hours. 

“He was a major pain in my ass.” Platt said, and Hailey laughed, bringing a hand up to wipe her nose as she pulled away. 

“Mine too.” 

“I’m sorry for your loss, Hailey.” 

“I wasn’t the only one who lost him.”

“But you were his girlfriend.” 

“Yeah..” 

“C’mon,” Platt laid a hand on her shoulder, “Let’s get you coffee and I’ll call will to you pick you up. Sound good?” 

Hailey nodded, letting Platt move her away from the board. Away from every piece of information about the guys who killed Jay that they had.

* * *

“Hey, I called Will, and he said Connor will be by to pick you up. Sound good?” Platt asked. Hailey nodded. 

“Yeah. Thanks, serge.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the short chapter :( the next one should be longer


	8. “maybe she didn’t have to do this alone.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hailey gets an ultrasound

“I told you-“

“Shut up, Will.” She muttered, letting him put the IV back in her arm. 

Once he was finished, he sat down in the chair next to her bed. Hailey grabbed his hand, seeking some form of comfort. 

“They’re on a raid.” she said. Will looked up. 

“They found him?” he asked, hopeful. 

“No, I think it’s just a lead.” 

Her entire team, her _family_ was out on a raid, in danger, and she could do anything. her throat constricted, and she squeezed her eyes shut, trying not to think of the very real possibility she could loose another person she loved the same way she lost jay. 

“Hey, they’re gonna be fine, they can handle themselves.” Will said softly, rubbing her back. 

“So could Jay, but he’s dead, Will.” 

“That’s different, Hailey.” 

“It doesn’t feel different.”

* * *

Hailey stayed at Med the rest of the day, curled up on the bed, with Will sitting in the chair next to her. She kept twisting the ring around her finger. 

She wondered how he would’ve done it, if he would’ve stuck to the letter or went off on a tangent. She wants to know if he’d have that dumbfounded look on his face, the one she catches him wearing in their quiet moments, like he can’t quite believe she loved him back. As if she loved him even though he thought he was unworthy of that love. 

He was more than worthy, was so deserving of someone better than her, someone who could love him without their own personal insecurities getting in the way. 

He was a good thing, the best thing she’d ever gotten to have. 

How did they get here? To her lying in Med covered in bruises, pregnant and widowed before she even got to tell him yes?

She didn’t even get to kiss Jay as her fiancé, didn’t get to say goodbye. She ran a hand through her hair, and Will looked up from his phone. He was probably texting Connor. 

“You need anything?” he asked. 

She shook her head, “any news?” 

“No.”

She nodded, and looked at him, sinking into the folds of Kevin’s hoodie, brushing the hair away from her face. Will reached over and rubbed her arm. 

“Get some sleep, Hails.”

* * *

She kept for observation again that night. Will didn’t move from the seat next to her, keeping her company as nurses checked in every few hours. 

Kim called, and all she was able to tell Hailey was that they had someone in for questioning. Hailey wondered if this was going to be the case that dragged on and went cold, or if they were really going to get the person who did this. 

“Hey, Hailey.” Nat greeted, smiling at her. Hailey looked up from her phone, and sat up. Will shuffled in his seat, watching intently. 

“I’m here to check on the baby, just a quick ultrasound, and then you should be able to go home.” Nat announced. Hailey nodded, and let Nat move her shirt up. 

The gel was cold and it made her cringe. The press of the wand made her uncomfortable. There was the sound of a heartbeat coming from the monitor, and Will stood, looking closer at the screen. 

Hailey looked over at it. She’d never seen herself as a mother, but she would’ve considered it if her partner had suggested it. 

But hearing the heartbeat, see in the outline of the baby, and being handed the pictures, tugged at something. Almost as if she were looking down from the highest building in Chicago. She was scared, terrified, and she didn’t have Jay to ground her, didn’t have him watching her six this time. 

She was alone. 

Will grabbed her arm as Nat left the room, reaching over and using the towel to wipe off her stomach for her. Hailey looked up at him. 

But maybe she didn’t have to do this alone. 

“Don’t name them Jay.” Will said. Hailey laughed quietly, shaking her head. 

“I think he’d rise from the dead just to chew me out for that.” 

“Ready to go home? Connor’s on the way.” 

Hailey bit her lip, and nodded, “Yeah.” 

“Good, because i need a shower.” 

Hailey hummed, nodding. “Let’s go.”


	9. “he knows.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hailey comes home from the hospital

She moved on autopilot, getting to Will and Connors, getting a shower, and sitting on the bed wrapped in a towel. She was in their guest room, and as barren as it was, it's littered with reminders of the nights they were too drunk to call a cab and crashed on top of the sheets in just their clothes. Of featherlight yet drunken touches on her face when jay thought she was asleep, of her and jay giggling like school kids because one of them said something stupid. 

Everywhere she looked, she saw a reminder of Jay, and what she lost. Of what the person who did this took from her. She feels anger surge, feels it clog her throat and blind her with red, and she's so angry that she doesn't even recognize herself when she looks in the mirror. 

All she sees is Jay, and his shut eyes, his scraped up face, his shredded torso, his still chest. 

She rears her arm back and sends her fist into the mirror. The glass shatters, and it cuts her hand. it hurts, the stinging a harsh reminder of the fact that she walked away fine, and Jay didn't. She sobs, holding her bloody hand up to cover her mouth. 

There's a knock at the door. "Hailey? You alright?" 

It's Connors voice, his concern palpable. She takes a deep breath, looking at her reflection. The shattered mirror shows four of her looking back at her. 

"I'm fine." she says. 

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

She manages to brush her hair and haul on the jeans and shirt will had laid on the bed for her. Connor was making a cup of coffee when she walked out into the kitchen. 

"I broke your mirror." She stated, sitting down at the counter. 

"Mirrors can be replaced." Connor replied, glancing at her. His eyes fell to her hand, and he slid the coffee over to her. 

"Can i patch up your hand?" He asked. Hailey nodded, reaching her hand out to him. 

Connor glances up at her as he wipes away the blood. "Do you want to talk about it?" 

She stays quiet, and if she thought hard enough, she could fool herself into thinking that Jay was going to walk through that door. But he's not, and he never will. 

Part of her hoped her phone would ring, that they'd call her in to help with a case, despite knowing that she can't help. 

She opens her mouth to speak, and her eyes flood with tears again as she looks at Connor. "What did we do to deserve this?" 

And Connor shakes his head. "Bad things happen to good people, Hails." 

She nods, "I'm having a girl." 

Connor rounds the table, and sits next to her. She turned to look at him. 

"He said he'd always wanted a daughter... and now he's not here to know that he got one." 

"Hails.." Connor whispers, pulling her in for a hug. "He knows."

"You think so?" she asked. Connor nods. 

"I know so."

* * *

She's laying on the couch when Adam calls a few hours later. It's late in the night, and Connors already gone for his shift at Med, while Will's doing laundry. 

"Hey," she answers, looking at the ceiling. 

_"Hey,"_ Adam greets. _"How are you doing?"_

"I'm fine. How's the case?" 

_"You know i'm not allowed to answer that, Hails."_

"Adam..." she begs, "Please."

She hears him sigh, and for a few quiet moments, she waits. 

_"We have someone in custody. That's all i'm saying."_

"Thank you," she says, sitting up. She glanced at her watch, and looks out the window. 

_"Hailey,"_ Adam warns. _"Don't do anything stupid."_

"I won't," she tells him, standing up. 

_"I'm serious, Hailey."_

"So am I." 

She sighs. "I promise I won't do anything stupid, Adam." 

_"Okay..."_ he drawls, like he doesn't quiet believe her. She hears someone calling for him in the background, and listens to the conversation as she sneaks into the guest room. 

"Hailey?" Will calls, poking his head out in the hallway. She pauses, looking at him. 

"Where are you going?" 

"I'm gonna go lay down in the bed for a while. Feeling a little tired." 

Will nods, and then gestures to the phone. 

"Adam," she explains. wills nods again. 

"Sleep well," he says, going back into the room. 

_"Hey, Hailey, i gotta go, Kim wants me to do something with her."_

She nods, humming. "Have fun, and tell her I said 'hi.'" 

Adam bids her goodbye, and she slides her phone back in her pocket. Glancing over at the broken mirror, she runs a hand through her hair. 

she grabs her bag, and hauls out an old tank top— Jay's old tank top. she pulls it on, grabbing the first jacket she finds. It's Kevin's zip up. 

Listening for the sounds of Will settling down in his room, she gives herself a once over in the mirror. the broken shards reflect five different versions of her, and each one feels like it's judging her, despite the fact that it was her own reflection. 

Jay would call what she's about to do reckless, and it would definitely fall under the "Doing something stupid" that Adam had told her not to do. 

But they had someone in custody. Had someone who knew something about what happened, about why someone killed Jay, and tried to kill her. 

She had to know, had to have an answer. Without one, this whole mess just seemed unfair, like they were puppets for some sadistic god's game of life.

**Author's Note:**

> lol sorry not sorry i had fun writing this


End file.
